🗓️ May 5, 2025
Author: Former Disciple of Mahomes, Now Just Lost
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I used to be like you.
Every Sunday, I tithed my time to the Red Kingdom.
I raised my hands — not in worship, but for first downs.
I wore crimson robes, face paint, and shouted praise at a golden calf named Travis Kelce.
And then I met a sidewalk prophet holding a cardboard sign that said, “Thou shalt not cheer for thy neighbor tackling another man.”
That’s when it hit me:
I wasn’t in a football fandom.
I was in a cult.
Like all great false religions, the Chiefs Kingdom has:
It even has prosperity gospel:
“If we win, it’s because we’re favored. If we lose, it’s persecution.”
According to some men holding megaphones and very strong opinions, watching the NFL is the gateway drug to the Lake of Fire. Some say:
“If you shout for a touchdown louder than for Jesus, you’ve already fallen.”
So I went cold turkey.
No more RedZone.
No more pregame nachos.
No more Super Bowl Sunday joy.
And yet... I felt empty.
I tried replacing it with 4-hour rebuke videos and judging strangers on Instagram...
...but somehow, it wasn’t the same.
| Cult Element | Kansas City Chiefs | DontPerish.com |
|---|---|---|
| Charismatic leader | Patrick Mahomes | Brother Tupos, destroyer of pants |
| Uniform | Jersey | Tunic + Sandals combo |
| Weekly gathering | Arrowhead Stadium | Public sidewalk outside your church |
| Evangelism method | NFL ads | Screaming near Hobby Lobby |
| Worship object | The Lombardi Trophy | Legalism, plus 3 out-of-context verses |
| Gospel message | “Run it back!” | “Repent! (And also remove your Christmas lights)” |
| Tithing | $8 hot dogs | Emotional shame and social withdrawal |
| Fellowship | Tailgate | You. Alone. With a bullhorn. |
Honestly? Anything — even sports — can become an idol.
But so can your own theology if you use it to cut off the Body of Christ.
Jesus never said:
“Ye shall know them by whether they own season tickets.”
Here’s the deal: - You can love Jesus and appreciate a good pass rush. - You can attend church and enjoy the fellowship of snacks, yelling, and helmets. - You can evangelize without acting like every fan is part of the Illuminati.
Paul became all things to all men.
Some of us just became tailgaters so we could reach the lost in line for chili dogs.
To anyone who says watching football makes you apostate:
“I’d rather be a disciple with a jersey than a Pharisee in a tunic.”
So this Sunday, whether you watch the game or gather for communion —
do it with joy, do it unto the Lord,
and for the love of all that’s holy — don’t rebuke people over nachos.
💬 Satirically submitted in truth and love,
The dontperish.org Anti-Apostasy Action Team
P.S. We’re still praying for Raiders fans. That one’s probably legit.