🗓️ May 5, 2025
By: Brother Tolerance, Esq. | dontperish.org Department of Chronological Compliance
--
Jerusalem — 33 A.D. In an exclusive archaeological revelation, new timekeeping scrolls discovered behind a stone coffee shop near Golgotha confirm what only the truly elect have always suspected:
Jesus rose from the dead on a Saturday. But not just any Saturday — Saturday at 6:43 PM, Judean Standard Time.
According to the Gospel of Timex, any worship of a resurrection that occurred after sunset is theologically invalid, heretical, and causes you to unknowingly celebrate the beast.
📜 The Gospel Timeline (According to One Very Angry Man on a Sidewalk) Wednesday, 6:43 PM — Crucifixion (obviously, Jesus wouldn't die on a Friday — that’s a pagan workday)
Thursday — Full day in tomb.
Friday — Still dead.
Saturday, 6:42 PM — Tension builds. Heaven waits.
Saturday, 6:43 PM — 🎉 Resurrection. If you blinked, you missed salvation.
Sunday, 6:00 AM — Women arrive. Too late. Apostate.
🐰 Bunnies Not Accepted When a well-meaning Easter Bunny asked,
“Is everyone welcome to worship the risen Jesus?” a local zealot responded with the spiritual gentleness of a thrown papyrus scroll:
“Only if I personally think you’re real.”
The bunny was last seen tearfully offering jelly beans to a Methodist.
🔥 Things That Are Now Heresy According to dontperish.org’s Doctrine of Chronological Purity™️, the following are considered apostate behaviors:
Celebrating resurrection on Sunday
Singing “Up From the Grave He Arose” at the wrong timestamp
Wearing pastel colors during Holy Week
Using the phrase “Easter” without spitting afterward
Making eye contact with Peeps™
🧠 Theological Implications The original Greek clearly says:
“And lo, He rose… but if thou celebrateth that event on the wrong weekday, thy worship is void, thy fellowship is unclean, and thy salvation is subject to review.”
This verse is found in Second Opinions 4:13, frequently quoted but strangely absent from most Bibles.
🕰️ Final Warning Salvation is a narrow road. And now, apparently, a narrow timestamp.
So next Easter, don’t be caught praising the risen Christ at 6:44 PM — lest ye fall into the abyss of calendar-based condemnation.
Satirically submitted in love and sarcasm, The dontperish.org Truth Watchdogs
P.S. If your church uses a sunrise service… we’re already outside rebuking it.